Venus Williams, In the Flesh

Pictured above is tennis superstar Venus Williams sporting a black, lacy negligee-like dress, and apparently nothing else. In fact she is wearing flesh colored shorts designed to create the illusion that she is bare-assed nekkid. One might think that because she only appears to be letting her freak flag fly, that she's also not really committing a crime. One would be wrong.

Just as it is illegal to carry a toy gun that is designed to look real, it is a fashion crime to dress like a featured player in Hookers at the Point while competing in a major athletic tournament.

Black Hides Your Junk

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Cycling shorts should be black. This isn't one of those bendable rules like "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" - this is serious. Most people think that cycling shorts are black because it helps prevent unsightly grease stains. Certainly a valid reason. And of course we all know that dark colors are slimming. But those are not the best reason to avoid light and tight. Our Polish friends pictured above are blatantly showing us why spandex shorts should be black. They are charged with indecent exposure. Or smuggling potatoes. Either way - it's a crime.

Public Service Announcement

Here's a helpful little tidbit. If any of you youngsters out there have aspirations of one day becoming a seven time Tour de France winner, cancer survivor, founder and chairman of your own charitable foundation, and international celebrity, as well dating a succession of interchangeable blonde women all of whom looking disturbingly like your mother, you might want to avoid being photographed in an outfit that makes you look like first prize at the NAMBLA raffle.

This public service has been brought to you by the Fitness Fashion Police Department.