Our Shameful History

The United States of America is the greatest country on god's green earth. We are the land of the free and the home of the brave. But even we have shameful moments in our past. The woman pictured below reminds us of three of our worst sins. Until the passage of the 13th Amendment, slavery was legal in this country. Until 1920, we did not allow women the right to vote. And as recently as the 1980s, it was considered acceptable to wear leg warmers in the gym. Thankfully we have evolved and grown as a people.

Beginning today, the Fitness Fashion Police will present Flashback Fridays, in which we will highlight other fashion fads that we hope never make a comeback.

Some Things Are Too Good to Pass Up

In 1968 Mickey Mantle announced that he would retire at the end of the season. During his last game in Detroit, in what was to be his last at-bat, with the Tigers leading 8-1, Denny McLain who won a whopping 31 games that year, decided to give the fans a thrill. He called his catcher out just a few feet from home plate and announced to him that he was going to let Mickey hit a home run. Of course Mantle overheard this, and though initially skeptical, came to realize that McLain really was going to throw one right over home plate. So The Mick took advantage of McLain's kindness and parked the pitch in the upper deck.

The moral of the story is that sometimes things are so easy that you can't  - and shouldn't - pass them up. For instance, if you're working the overnight shift for the F.F.P.D. and a conscientious citizen passes practically serves up a photo on a silver platter, you don't question it. You don't say "no thank you kind sir (or madam)" and go on your own patrol looking for joggers with fanny packs or other fashion criminals. You simply appreciate your good fortune and post it for all to see.

Remember citizens - we need your help. If you see something, send something. Someone pass the coffee.

Venus Williams, In the Flesh

Pictured above is tennis superstar Venus Williams sporting a black, lacy negligee-like dress, and apparently nothing else. In fact she is wearing flesh colored shorts designed to create the illusion that she is bare-assed nekkid. One might think that because she only appears to be letting her freak flag fly, that she's also not really committing a crime. One would be wrong.

Just as it is illegal to carry a toy gun that is designed to look real, it is a fashion crime to dress like a featured player in Hookers at the Point while competing in a major athletic tournament.

One Size Does NOT Fit All

Presumably many of you glanced at the citizen in photo above and are now expecting us to ridicule his considerable girth. But the F.F.P.D. has a strict policy forbidding discrimination on the basis of size, so you won't hear immature and inappropriate comments like "this guy's so fat that if you maximize the window, your monitor will fall through your desk" or "this guy's so fat they had to use the jaws of life to get him out of that outfit". No such talk in this department.

In fact, while his crimes are many, our big boned friend's fashion violations are not directly related to his size. They are listed below.

1. While there may be valid reasons for letting yourself go, there's no excuse for ill fitting clothes. Spandex comes in a multitude of sizes. The gap between the jersey and the bibs is criminal, and if the legs were any longer they'd be knickers. 
2. There's the issue of wearing a pro kit when one is not a pro cyclist. (I checked the Lampre roster, and there's no record of this guy ever racing for them). It's a fashion faux pas that's often committed, and never acceptable.
3. Lastly, as if to add insult to injury, there's the whole socks with sandals thing. That may fly if you're a grandpa walking along Miami Beach with a metal detector, but it is not acceptable active wear.

But aside from that, the outfit looks great on him.

Black Hides Your Junk

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Cycling shorts should be black. This isn't one of those bendable rules like "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" - this is serious. Most people think that cycling shorts are black because it helps prevent unsightly grease stains. Certainly a valid reason. And of course we all know that dark colors are slimming. But those are not the best reason to avoid light and tight. Our Polish friends pictured above are blatantly showing us why spandex shorts should be black. They are charged with indecent exposure. Or smuggling potatoes. Either way - it's a crime.

Public Service Announcement

Here's a helpful little tidbit. If any of you youngsters out there have aspirations of one day becoming a seven time Tour de France winner, cancer survivor, founder and chairman of your own charitable foundation, and international celebrity, as well dating a succession of interchangeable blonde women all of whom looking disturbingly like your mother, you might want to avoid being photographed in an outfit that makes you look like first prize at the NAMBLA raffle.

This public service has been brought to you by the Fitness Fashion Police Department.

Like a Bag of Skittles Exploded in His Pants

Obviously there are several crimes being committed here, with improper use of a mankini as the most blatant offense. Additionally, there's the uncanny resemblance to this homemade bird costume sported by a six year old, though the Fitness Fashion DA's office is still debating what the proper charge is for such a crime.

Of course there are other violations on display as well, but addressing them would be like issuing a ticket to Charles Manson for an illegal lane change after you catch him with a bloody knife leaving the scene of the crime.

Coming Soon

The Fitness Fashion Police need your help.  If you see something, send something. Mankinis? Spandex stretched beyond its limits?  Fanny packs on the run?  Whenever you see a crime against fitness fashion, please report it to the FFPD.  We can't keep the fitness community safe without your help.